A Covenant marriage

 "A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection."--Dallin H. Oaks

70% of those that have divorced, feel like they could have saved or stayed in the marriage just 2 years later.

Divorce has become common place.  Marriage has slowly lost it's value.  Once when two people committed themselves to marriage, they made a covenant with each other.  As time has passed, this binding agreement has turned into more of just a breakable contract.  A contract can easily be broken.  It is a easy way out.  Contracts can be broken as soon as one party indicates that it can't,or won't, meet its obligations.  Remember that 70% wish they could go back and mend their marriages.  Don't rush to divorce.  Make your marriage a covenant marriage. 

(Webster's Dictionary- Covenant: A formal or serious agreement or promise)

Dallin H. Oaks said it best, "I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache. A broad-based international study of the levels of happiness before and after “major life events” found that, on average, persons are far more successful in recovering their level of happiness after the death of a spouse than after a divorce. ³ Spouses who hope that divorce will resolve conflicts often find that it aggravates them, since the complexities that follow divorce—especially where there are children—generate new conflicts.

Please remember there will be conflict in all marriages.  As I said in an earlier post, these conflicts are not bad.  They provide opportunities to grow closer as a husband and wife.    

Full talk by Dallin H. Oaks found here: Divorce

Sometimes divorce will still happen and at times it is found to be necessary.  Know that the pain of divorce can be eased through the healing power of the atonement.  Don't loose hope.

Lastly another challenge can arise when the time comes for remarriage.  This can be especially challenging if there are children involved.  A couple of pieces of advice to blended families as they come together given from my professor:

1. The birth parent of the children should do all of the heavy discipline 

                         2. The new step parent should take on the role similar to an "aunt or uncle" until he/she has gained the love and trust from their step children

                      3. Know that it takes most families at least 2 years to adjust and become comfortable with this new life/family.  Give it time and be patient.  

Also my professor recommended two books that would be very helpful for those who are trying to blend a new family together:

      --"Treating The Remarried Family"--Clifford J. Sager

                                    --"Remarried with Children: Ten Secrets for Successfully Blending and Extending Your Family"--Barbara LeBey

  

Teenagers...They Think They Know Everything...

Teenagers. They think they know everything. You give them an inch, they swim all over you.

-The Little Mermaid

       Being a parent can be hard.  There is no manual, and no criteria to meet before you become a mother or a father.  Often times we are left with using the same techniques we were raised by, even when we thought we never would.  As my children grow older, I am quickly realizing we will soon have a teenager in our home.  I can remember being a teenager.  It is such a struggle trying to adapt to life...wanting to be independent but also you're not quite ready to do everything on your own.  Years of trying to fit in, and thinking I knew more about things than I really did.  Yes, being a teenager is tough, but now I worry about being the parent to a teenager.  There is a lot to think about...rules...discipline...dating...trying to be their friend while still being the parent...and so on.  I know that each child is different, so what can I do to ensure I am being a good parent? 

First off we need to know, what are the purposes of parenting?

2 Nephi 2:23

 "And they would have had no ^achildren; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no ^bjoy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no ^csin."

Children can bring us the greatest joys, and also the greatest sorrows.  

• provide, preside, protect; nurture (found in The Proclamation to the Family)
• teach children social norms, traditions
• Develop emotional skills (such as empathy)
• Develop capacity to love
• To provide a safe environment to learn and grow
• To help children to handle challenges they might encounter 
• To help us (the parents) know God
• To help us prepare for eternal life
• To be examples

I am sure these are just a few of the many purposes of parenting, but we must realize that there IS a purpose.  Our children need us, and we need them.  

Okay back to raising teenagers, when a problem arises, we must first identify:

WHO owns the problem?

That is, who is affected by the problem or who would like things to change?

Child or the Parent?

When we know whose problem it is, we can be better at handling and finding the solution.

As parents, we need to:

• always have respect for the child  
• Be aware of their needs, such as a need for contact or belonging.  If we don't meet their needs, they may go to other places to fulfill those needs 
• need to demonstrate confidence in their child
• Give them support and encouragement
•  Let them experience the natural consequences of their actions.  Some of the best lessons come from experiencing these kinds of consequences. (Exceptions being if the natural consequence is too dangerous, too far in the future, or if someone else will be affected)
• teach them to contribute! A family is a TEAM-think of being on a sports team, or being a member of an orchestra...if you don't do your part, you will not be able to be a part of the team.

Another good way to become aware of how to parent is to find what parenting style you use.  Here is a link to find out.

What is my Parenting style?

Finally, here are some videos that have really opened up my eyes.  They are all about dealing with teenagers, but I feel like it is useful information to all parents and grandparents to children of all ages.  Like I said, kids don't come with a manual, but it's nice to have some resources that can help you along your journey.

Video 1: The Active Parent

Video 2: Winning Cooperation

Video 3: Responsibility and Discipline

Video 4: Building courage, Redirecting Misbehavior

An Educated Mother

 "Give me an educated mother, I shall promise you the birth of a civilized, educated nation" ~ Napoleon Bonaparte

  For class this week we read an article called, Does a Full-time Homemaker Swap Her Mind for a Mop?
Years ago, I thought that a career was more important than becoming a mother.  I was dedicated to receiving my education to pursue a career.  As I type this, I now know that my thinking was in error.  Being a mother is the most important job.  No career can give one the knowledge and experiences like being a mother.  I have learned management skills, how to work for 24 hours on little sleep, and how to teach others a multiple array of subjects.  Education can do nothing but help in this process of raising the next generation.  My formal education was put on hold as I have raised my three children, but I have constantly continued to read, learn new talents, and educate myself in many ways.  I am currently back in school, now that my youngest is in school full time, and plan on continuing until I receive my masters degree.  I also know that my education will not stop there.  I hope that I may always have a love for learning and constantly continue to learn even when I am eighty years old!
   To all mothers, your education is NOT wasted!  You are doing the greatest most rewarding job.  The Lord is proud you for your willingness to be a mother.  Satan is trying to attack motherhood.  He wants us to think of our roles as less than they really are.  He wants us to think we are waisting our minds for a mop.  He wants our world to forget about being mothers altogether.  I wanted to share a video, it is not dealing with education and mothers, but it is a very powerful message for all mothers.

Motherhood: An eternal partnership with God

  I agree with Preger in his article that women are not swapping their minds for a mop. I loved that his wife continued to find ways to be educated from inside the home. We live in a day and age where technology can bring us great tools for learning. We should always do all we can, male and female, to continually expand our minds. I truly believe that our intelligence is one of the things we will keep with us in the next life.
Education has always been a high priority for me as a woman. My grandfather had two children, both girls (my mother and my aunt), and knew that he should stress to them that they receive their education. His father, my great-grandfather, often would tell his son how foolish it was to encourage women to achieve an education. Fortunately, my grandfather ignored this counsel, and my mother not only received a college degree (after having children), but was able to instill the value of education to her children. I truly believe that an education is extremely valuable to mothers. Like Erickson said in her article, "But the education of mothers—those who inculcate values and practices into the hearts and minds of the next generation—is vital." Also consider Elder Oaks words to women regarding education: “There are other reasons why it is important for our young women to receive a proper education. Education is more than vocational. Education should improve our minds, strengthen our bodies, heighten our cultural awareness and increase our spirituality. It should prepare us for greater service to the human family. Such an education will improve a woman’s ability to function as an informed and effective teacher of her sons and daughters, and as a worthy and wise counselor and companion to her husband. Some have observed that the mother’s vital teaching responsibility makes it even more important to have educated mothers than to have educated fathers” (BYU President’s Assembly, 9 Sept. 1975). What a powerful statement!
There some other reasons for a mother to receive her education. For example, it is important to prepare ourselves (as mothers), for any situation that could arise in this earthly state. Dallin H. Oaks mentioned once regarding his mother, "My mother had a college education when she married my father. When she was about 30, she had three children, and he passed away from cancer. Her college education made our home more stable, and our lives much easier. I think that if you can put in a little time to finish off a degree, a general studies one possibly, would be an investment into your and their future."
As a mother, I truly feel like the education I have received, and continue to receive, is a benefit to my family. I liked a quote I found by Dr. Charles D. McIver, in addressing the students at North Carolina College for Women said, “When you educate a man you educate an individual; when you educate a woman you educate a whole family” (in The Home Book of Quotations, 8th ed., comp. Burton Stevenson, New York: Dodd, Mead and Co., 1956, p. 2193).

Enduring LOVE

Conflicts happen in every relationship for many different reasons. In fact, conflict is very normal in healthy marriages.  Now this doesn't mean a blown out screaming(or worse) fight...there are some great ways to correctly handle conflict.  Think about it, if two people agreed on everything, liked all the same things, there would be little or no growth.  Conflicts, when handled correctly, help us realize who we are and who we can become.  It can bring  a couple closer together.
So what are some ways to handle conflict?  The first thing to remember is to always have respect!  When you respect each other, you will find that you're more willing to see things from their point of view, truly listen to them, and do it with love.  Often times when we are upset about something, we can easily find fault and blame in others, but if we we take the blame out, we will see a different outcome.  Here let me show you.

Pain+Blame=Defensiveness 

Pain-Blame=Compassion

Here we can see that if we go to the one we love with just the pain, don't point a finger, they will more likely act with compassion.  

When in conflict with our loved ones, here are some other ways to help solve them correctly:

• Don't fight about every little trivial thing, focus on the issues that are really important
• Have tension outlets: examples are humor, exercise, hobbies, etc.
• Avoid festering resentment: have forgiveness
• Be sensitive to timing: be ready and make sure you and your spouse are ready emotionally to fully be able to handle the conflict rationally
• Communicate!!!  
• Be flexible and willing to compromise
• Use the conflict to attack problems, not your spouse(avoid putting them down) Keep loving while you are fighting! Know the limits, and never being willing to cross them.  This is someone that you love and would like to spend forever with, don't forget you love them.  Say before hand, "I will not hurt this person I love."

I know that when we use these "good fighting" tactics, our marriages will grow.  We will be closer as a couple and ultimately have an  

Enduring Love...

An enduring love  : click this link to watch the video.  A sweet message of enduring love.

STRESS & CRISIS

“The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word 'crisis.' One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger--but recognize the opportunity.” 

― John F. Kennedy

First I should define Stress, stressor, and Crisis:

STRESS:  A state of mental tension and worry caused by problems in your life

STRESSOR:  The source of the stress (causing strain and stress)

CRISIS: A difficult or dangerous situation that causes changes within ones life

Many things can cause stress within a family.  

                         

 Birth of new baby                                           Loosing JOB

                                                                    Divorce                                                                    Death of loved one

       Abuse                     

                                 Alcohol abuse                             Illness                         AFFAIRS                                             

Drugs

         Disability                             DEBT                        Money                       Natural disasters

HOW DO YOU HANDLE STRESS?

There are three different reactions a family has in times of a crisis or stress.

                               1. Higher maturity is gained, members have grown

                               2. Stay the same, members just have coped

                               3. Lower level, members have long term negative reactions

Often times many handle stress by using DENIAL, AVOIDING the issues, and SCAPEGOATING(blaming others or something else).  These are common reactions in families and individuals.  They are not the best ways to react and are ineffective to solving issues.  So what is the proper way to HANDLE problems that come our way?

According to the book "Marriage & Family: The Quest for Intimacy", there are a few effective tools for coping with our problems.  They suggest that the first step is to take RESPONSIBILITY(admit there is an issue...no denial...)  Next BELIEVE in your self!  You are stronger than you know.  In the words of Winnie the Pooh, "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."  Also don't forget about those around you.  Sometimes when we are going through a crisis it's easy to become self absorbed.  I find that SERVICE can be the best way to help one forget about their own problems.  Another way to deal with stress is called "reframing".  This means that we should REDEFINE and CHANGE the way we think of our problem.  It doesn't take all the pain away...but helps ease a bit of it.  One family after the loss of their home from a wildfire(which distroyed hundereds of homes), made a homemade sign which was placed by the damaged home saying, "Termite Free at last".  We can choose how we react! Lastly one should make make sure they use all their RESOURCES!  Family, friends, books, church, therapy, etc.  You are not alone!  Don't give up hope! 

I found another article that hopefully will be helpful for those that are dealing with stress:

Dealing with Stress and Discouragement

AND if all else fails, use the diagram below! ;)  

Keeping the flame alive!

Often times after people get married and real life starts, you hear the phrase, "the honeymoon is over".  At first love is exciting and new, and all other things can seem to hide in the background.  Often times you are walking in the clouds. The person you love is perfect and can seem like they can do no wrong, but what happens when "real" life kicks in?  The washing machine breaks, the dishes are pile up, and you have to go back to working long hours.  What about when kids enter the relationship?  Life is busy!  It can be easy to forget about making time for each other(and sadly some might go looking for that "honeymoon" love again with someone else, thinking the grass is greener on the other side).  It's very important to nurture and love your spouse even when times get tough.  Remember why the two of you married in the first place!  What was it that attracted you to them?  I once heard that it is important to keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half closed after.  Forgive one another.  Everyone makes mistakes.  Dr. John M. Gottman wrote a book called, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work."  In his book, Gottman gives a great way for a husband and wife to continue to stay connected even in their busy world.  It is called "The Magic 5 Hours A Week"
Here is what Gottman says to do to(information was taken from his blog):

1.  Partings: Make sure that before you say good-bye in the morning you’ve learned about one thing that is happening your partner’s life that day—from lunch with a childhood friend to an important meeting with the boss or a doctor’s appointment. 

        Time: 2 minutes a day x 5 working days 

        Total: 10 minutes 

2.  Reunions: Be sure to engage in a stress-reducing conversation at the end of each workday. 

        Time: 20 minutes a day x 5 working days 

        Total: 1 hour 40 minutes 

3.  Admiration and appreciation: Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your partner. 

        

Time: 5 minutes a day x 7 days

        Total: 35 minutes

4. Affection: Kiss, hold, grab, and touch each other during the time you are together. Make sure to kiss before going to sleep. Think of that kiss as a way to let go of any minor irritations that have built up over the day. Lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner. (My teacher added, try and kiss once for at least 10 seconds)

      

  Time: 5 minutes a day x 7 days 

        Total: 35 minutes 

5.  Weekly date: This can be a relaxing, low-pressure way to stay connected. Ask each other questions that let you update your love maps(found in his book) and turn toward each other. Think of questions to ask your partner like “Are you still thinking about retiling the bathroom” “Where should we take our next vacation” or “How are you feeling about your pesky coworker these days?” 

        Time: 2 hours once a week 

        Total: 2 hours 

"The amount of time involved in incorporating these changes into your relationship is minimal. Yet these Magic Five Hours will help enormously in keeping your marriage on track. Working briefly on your marriage every day will increase the health and longevity of your relationship."--John M. Gottman, Ph.D

I truly believe that if we don't work on our marriage, we can often be set up for disasters.  We must keep the flame that we had when we were first married alive!  Like my teacher said, "Often marriage can start to feel like business, it's DIVINE when we can go beyond it!"  Let's not do what is natural, strive to do what is divine.

Marriage isn't for you!

This is not something I learned from my class, just something that I came across and felt like I should share on my blog.  We live in such a selfish world...it's all about how am "I" doing? What is in it for "me"? How do "I" feel about things?  I worry that this selfish way of thinking, filled with "I" and "me", have made our world loose track of how to find true happiness.  I believe that we must look outside ourselves...look at those around you and ask, "Are the people around me happy?"
On that note, here is some food for thought... Marriage isn't for you